I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
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