Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
sarah's view on last night: a threesome to make things less awkward. oh, well done.
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
Randomize
