FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
Randomize
