I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
she fell THROUGH the wall. All in all id have to say that my neighbors where pretty chill about it tho.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
He got hotter. I'm offended on behalf of the rest of our graduating year.
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
Randomize
