So I had sex with him again. He's still got it. Not chlamydia, he got rid of that.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Randomize
