Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
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