i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
so I think I'm done having sex with her, she's way too crazy
what about the blowjobs for adderall?
no those are still okay
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
Such a big mess for such a small penis
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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