The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
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