I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
Is it just me or does the sex still keep getting better? I wasn't crying, my eyes just watered from how hard I was cumming.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
