I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Randomize
