You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
Randomize
