The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
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