I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
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You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
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When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
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