I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
I just ate 10 fun sized 3 musakteers.. I'm pretty sure I'm about to start my period.
Talk to you next week
my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
Randomize
