Sry I called you an 8
why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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