awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
