census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
