i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
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