I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
no you cant smoke seaweed
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Randomize
