She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
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