My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
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