thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
Randomize
