genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Randomize
