Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
as a side note pls kill me
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
Randomize
