I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
Randomize
