just wrote on a church. and then stalked a boy, by the way, i fucked him. him being your friend, also, love tacos.
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
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