Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
Randomize
