It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
Don't come here someone got drunk and rolled the keg to buger king. no more beeer
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
Randomize
