Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
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