i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
Randomize
