You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
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