I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
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What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
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That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
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