If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
You can't just leave with hair like that
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
