my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
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