I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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