I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
He passed out mid-signature
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Randomize
