I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
I just watch that 70s show all day and blaze whenever they do. It's nice being part of the circle
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
Randomize
