I cant believe we actually had a nipple party!
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
