yeah i was sneaking up to her room and on the way i saw a picture of her and left
8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
