I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
Covered in glitter and dick. 2010 feels a lot like 2009.
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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