Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
Am I a whore if I make out with a boy just so michelle can't?
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
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