I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
