Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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