Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
