So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
Randomize
