Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
PS: I just woke up from my shower
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
Randomize
