I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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