hotel room ftw
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
I just blew my weed a kiss
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
Randomize
