kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Randomize
