when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
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