Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
We need to get me chipped asap
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
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