Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
I think I have vodka in my lungs
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
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