she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
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