My sis friend said it was fake then described it as "scary"...greatest adj ever applied to my dick
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
Randomize
