My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
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