I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
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