im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
Haha its fine we ask know it. He's still cool thought
Focus on the keyboard man. Focusssss
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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