I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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