Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
Randomize
