Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
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Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
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She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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